5tern’s Starting 5

Every Friday throughout the academic year, 5tern will rank delightfully inane stuff from top to bottom in fives. Because the best things in life require fives. See: high fives, The Jackson 5, five fingers doing the dismissive wave, etc. 

The Presidential First Five for a Pick-Up Game 

  1. Point Guard: James Madison at a diminutive 5’4 which helps us understand why he thought that all powerful men ought not be trusted.
  2. Shooting Guard: Jimmy Carter at a scrappy 5’9. All over the place with his trash talk about solar panels, or the lack thereof, atop the White House gymnasium.
  3. Small Forward: Barack Obama at a lanky 6’3. According to reports, if he went right once in a while, he would have been a much improved player. And President.
  4. Power Forward: Lyndon Baines Johnson at a bruising 6’3. When reporters questioned him about why we were in Vietnam, LBJ lost his patience. He unzipped his fly, whipped out his presidential member, and yelled, “This is why!” Sounds like a classic power forward to me. Tough, aggressive, ballsy.
  5. Center: Abraham Lincoln at a bearded 6’4 with bony elbows and a non-stop motor. He’s a North-South runner, as they would say in football.